Intentional Healing Moments Blogs & more: Pieces of me

I suffered from postpartum depression five years ago and did not even recognize that I suffered from it until later down the road. Postpartum Depression is a disorder that can begin during pregnancy or within four weeks after delivery. Some symptoms can even show up anytime within the first year of giving birth. I suffered from postpartum depression after my second pregnancy and it made me feel so guilty as a parent. I also experienced feeling shame, trouble bonding with my baby boy to a certain extent, sadness and emptiness. One of the mistakes I made during that time was keep it to myself for as long as I did. During the pregnancy, my husband and I chose to do something non-traditional which was not finding out the gender until delivery. It was no secret, I have always vocalized how bad I wanted a girl and call it naive but I figured since I was going about the pregnancy the correct way which was through getting married first, I would have my second born, be a girl. I went as far as picking out the girl name and started creating a list of items to purchase that was catered around the baby being a girl. I had a pretty normal and healthy pregnancy so for the majority of time, I spent 9 months happy. There was always the 50/50 chance of having either gender so even though I really wanted a girl, I did begin to brace myself for a baby boy. It became time for delivery and I told the doctor that the gender was going to be a surprise so as I laid there going through a c-section, the doctor delivered our baby and announced “ you have a little King”! My husband was ecstatic and immediately went over to cut the cord, take pictures, and see our baby first before I even got to lay eyes on him. Of course I was happy but once I got home and a few days passed, it felt as if all my hormones and thoughts began to bombard me. I felt so bad because in my arms I was rocking a healthy baby boy but silently staring at him crying because what I was expecting was to finally get my girl. I did not feel fully connected to my baby I was blessed with and spent a lot of alone time weeping. It was a battle between feeling selfish, disappointed, unworthy, depressed, sad, foolish, heartbroken but yet happy. I spent months not feeling pretty, seen, heard or understood during this time. It felt as if I was being punished by God, my husband and I began to have unnecessary issues and I was also disappointed in myself for even having all these feelings. I neglected to take care of myself in so many ways because I did not feel like I deserved the privilege of feeling or looking good. I masked so much darkness with a smile for a long time because let’s face it, putting on a happy face and smiling was something I perfected almost all of my life. Thankfully I decided that I did not want to feel that pain and guilt anymore and that it was time for me to get my life back, so that is when I began researching therapist and started seeking help for the first time. I started bonding with my son and addressing my emotions with a professional therapist within months of experiencing postpartum depression. For those moms that are suffering from this condition, don’t be afraid to seek a mental health therapist and talk to your doctor. Don’t forget to prioritize self care and try to confide in someone you could trust. You’re not a bad mom and you should not suffer in silence. Pieces of me…